03 May BLOG: “The goal of becoming a Mountain Leader was fundamental to me finding a way through the loss of my loved ones.” – 3/5/22 Gaby Macbeth

Posted at 21:29h in Guest Blog posted by

I’m not sure where I’d be if it wasn’t for mountains, the outdoors, walking and running. They’ve gone from being hobbies to being a part of who I am. They are my comfort, my happy place, and the surest way for me to find clarity and equilibrium when I feel out of kilter.

I discovered hill walking in my 20s (I’m now 39) and it was an eye opener. Realising that I could get myself up a mountain using just my legs opened up a world of possibilities: countless new places to visits, camping trips, map reading, bivvying, hill running…

All of this could have been limited to activities slotted in around work, family and friends, but in 2018 two of the people closest to me died within 10 weeks of each other. These bereavements were, to say the least, a shock. Part of that shock was the realisation that nothing is certain and that life is fragile. We think we have plenty of time to do the things we want to do, when in fact, we have no idea what’s round the corner. This led me to ask myself what would I regret not doing if my life ended abruptly. As I recall it, I knew straight away: spending more time outdoors, preferably in wild places.

I’d been thinking about this for a while but a sense of urgency overwhelmed me after these bereavements. Within weeks I decided I wanted to become a hill walking guide, taking people into the mountains, and earning a living while being outdoors. I had no idea what was involved but found out about the Mountain Leader (ML) qualification, booked the training, and took it from there.

Alongside the love and support of my partner, friends, family and colleagues, I believe that the goal of gaining the ML qualification was fundamental to me finding a way through the loss of my loved ones. It gave me a focus, something which I knew they would have encouraged me to do, and something positive which would come from their deaths. I felt responsible for making the most of the life I had.

PHOTO: The sunset’s on Gaby’s first guided walk.

The ML training highlighted all the skills and knowledge I needed to work on before sitting the assessment, and gaining these gradually felt like big achievements. My first solo wild camp, navigating at night, spending a couple of days in the mountains; all these new experiences were the adventures I’d wanted, they grew my confidence and made me feel like I was living life to the full.

Preparing for the ML assessment also led me to spending a lot of time walking and running in the hills. Every trip to the outdoors was a chance to learn something new about the places I visited, about myself, and the people I spent time with. Learning new things was both rewarding and it gave me a different perspective on what I was dealing with. I find the vastness and beauty of the landscape healing. Being on top of a hill always give me a sense of possibility: there is so much to see and do, so many glens, lochs, summits, and shorelines to explore. I feel so lucky to be able to appreciate it, to be able to see the beauty around me.

During those days in the hills preparing for the assessment, I also had a few candid conversations with my walking companions about these deaths and my grief. There’s something about walking side by side without having to make eye contact which allows us to open up in ways we don’t when looking at each other. I often don’t want to talk about my loss because I feel I’m taking up too much of someone’s time. But when we’re out hill walking we have hours and hours together, and nothing else to do other than walk (which, for someone like me who usually fills every hour of the day with activity, is a rare treat).

In 2020, between the two Covid lockdowns, I gained the ML qualification. This has led to new plans and possibilities, including setting up my own guiding business, Skylark Guiding, to share my love of the hills and encourage more women to try the things that have been so important to me: being outdoors, climbing mountains, sleeping in the wild, feeling closer to our environment and having adventures.

When I suffered these bereavements in 2018 I couldn’t have imagined the impact they would have on me. Of course, I would rather those people were still with me, but since that’s not possible I want to focus on what I’ve gained. I feel stronger, more confident, and I’m doing more of what I always wanted to do. I’ve also come to realise that the grief has shaped not only who I am now and what I do, but also forever altered my relationship with mountains. I know I can always turn to them for peace, for wisdom, for perspective, for beauty and for hope.

PHOTO: Gaby (right) on the penultimate day of the Mountain Leader assessments.
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